i wonder...

if words
may be the key
to one's soul
then i shall write

in hopes of reaching
what is inside
controlling
puppets of love...

tortured by an emotion
a feeling , perhaps
whatever it may be
it consumes me

although i have spoken of energy
of connections
of love
how can i not question: is it enough

it feels as if we are trapped
in some twisted mirage of a destiny
where we are to touch and taste and see
but never to be

what lesson is there for us
to gain
what unfinished duty
do we have
with each other

are we unravelling what was meant to be
hearts and love
dreams of day and night
all aside

meant to carry out our lives
in this manner
sinking into such sadness
feeling as if nothing matters

what have our souls done
to inherit this cell
created by whom or what
'tis a mystery

are the answers
as unclear as they seem
are the desires we seek
the wrong path

i do not know
as i stumble
tear after tear
and simply wonder...

s.m.

14...

lately i've been amazed by the intensity
of my love for you

the overwhelming angst
when i can not see you

the way my eyes respond
when i am touched by you

how is it possible for love
to grow

to this extent
where my heart paces

constantly seeking
a union of sorts

trying to locate
its missing piece

and only until you are found
and we are together

will my heart settle down
as it does after we have made sweet love

my love for you
i feel, will continue

to long for you
and grow

leaving me
amazed and blissful...

happy 14th my love~

s.m.

tonight...

was magical
in its own right
no fancy dinner
no special plans
just you and i
after a long day
just you and i baby...

love,
s.m

meeting...

i saw your eyes
and
all the pain i had been feeling up until that point
vanished
and everything i want for us
came back full force into my mind
along with myself
into your arms...

s.m.

wonder how things got this way
perhaps if i were not gay

i would then not have to be ashamed
live the life i've lived
splitting one into two
becoming, playing the part of, hating

i do believe in a Higher Power
so how could this Higher Power of mine
have me as miserable as i've come to be

not able to be there for others
the way they would like for me to be
my love
my family
myself

there must be a reason
has to be

for how long then must i trudge on
clothed in this lie i've created
i slowly unravel
and they do say it is a 'process'
but alas, just not fast enough...

s.m.

i am...

misunderstood
less than
not good enough
a problem
doubted
not as caring
not as loving
not you...


***

numb
hollow
filled with dread
filled with nothing
torn
confused
hurt
lifeless...


***

lost to you
lost to the world
lost to myself
lost...


***

wishing i were gone
wishing that my life were different
wishing that i did not come to know life
wishing that no one cared for me
before, now, or after...

# 13

(rather than a poem, i felt the need to write this in the form of a letter to you my love)

my Dear M:

As unlucky as that number sounds, we truly are lucky to have surpassed another month. We are lucky in the sense that, each day, moment, second--all of it-- is not to be taken for granted by us, thus being able to the milestones we reach. It all creates substance for us. Substance in the form of love. Imagine love as time: the longer it lasts, the better it grows. The more we experience and learn from it, the more we accomplish with it. The less we have of it, the less we feel we accomplished or progressed. As time can be on one's side, I feel that love is truly on our side, for if it were not for our love for each other, we could not last. Sometimes, we feel love is all we have and end up questioning whether or not it is enough to sustain a relationship. However, in doing so, we miss the amazing power and strength of love--how it can and has carried us time and time again. So you see my love, without this love of ours, we could not make it. I am most grateful and humbled by the passion we share for one another, as well as the level of passion you have for me on your own, teaching me that it is safe to return that very same passion.

Here's to another milestone of a month together. Even though we could not spend it with each other, seperated, but each having time to reflect on and miss the other, we are still going strong. I pray for us and love you with all my heart.

Love,
~s.m.

I Pledge...

...to pray for you, your family,
and us, each night

...to create loving thoughts and words for you
out of my sadness

...to know that you will be missing me as much as
i will be missing you

...to make the best out of each situation
when feeling lonely

... to be safe and healthy in order to return
to you

... to love you with all my heart and soul
like i have loved none other

s.m.

12...

as if we passed a major test
triumphant and victorious
we are both right now at our best
in our love so glorious

although downtrodden a bit
here and there
our light is still lit
shining away as if tempting a dare

which is why we have survived
thus far
a reason to be alive
thank you for being my favorite and lucky star

the way you try with me
and show your love and fears
the way you let me 'be'
and wipe my tears

i eagerly await loving and learning
from you
and continuing to experience how
this feels like genuine truth
i love you forever and so much right now...

Happy Anniversary, my love

s.m.

just think...

of how i wish to care for you
when your days seem long, endless
when your body shuts down
when your mind is anxious...

i will help take the load off,
help you with your work
i will feed you and provide you with water
i will run my hands through your hair
and whisper that i love you

just think

of how i wish to love you
when you are feeling lost
when you are feeling stressed
when you are feeling sad

i will help guide you back to the right path
i will help calm you down
i will make you smile...

i love you,

s.m.

her

how she keeps her own temper down
while i go on and on
i will never know

she talks about her love for me
and i am brought to the reality of
the power of it all

the passion that exists
while going through the good and the bad
bonds us together...

s.m.

i wonder when the hurt will go away...

11

remember the idea of us being one large ball
and picture an image of us
rolling around to get from one place to another
until at some point
we split into two
the birth of two lovers...

now remember the idea of destiny
and a reason for things to occur
for us to be together
our paths may have been seperated for some time
but at this point, we have joined again
so let us now focus and not yet again lose each other...

s.m.

10

a day late
forgive me my love...

i have tried so hard to put away my thoughts of you
into the far corners of my mind
so that i would not hurt so much
but yet,
you continue to surface
and i am forced to think of you...

but i am glad that you do
since in your absence
i have had so much time to think about you
and us
without any contact
simply, thoughts
memories
dreams

as i allow all this to take over
i am sad of course
missing you dreadfully
but also left feeling quite loved,
quite hopeful

for when you return
my thoughts and dreams and memories
will be accompanied by your touch
your face and smile


but for now
i will take silence
for this anniversary
in return for your safe journey back...

i love you now and forever ,

yours...

i am wondering...

i am wondering if you have arrived safely
into the land of your ancestors
the land which may or may not accept you
but above all the land where your beloved father awaits you

i hope that you are well
that you keep in mind the essence of life
of love
and that you remember my smile for you when you are down
and hear my voice calling out to you when you are lonely...

please God keep her safe,
love,
~s.

my daydream...

my lips gently pass your ears
whispering great secrets
for only us to hear
i then lay my head to rest
on your comforting shoulder
as you wrap your arm
around my body closely
keeping me away from harm
like a child i am counting your fingers and toes
making sure you are all there
and rambling about how the world is and how life goes
around until i catch you stare
and you pull me towards you
with knowing ease and very gently
where you do what you do
and i become yours my lovely...

s.m.

9...

i know this comes a bit late
with all that has buzzed around us
from a reality which we did not create

while 9 was clearly ahead, i did not make a fuss
remembering, then forgetting
as i got caught up in that buzz

but you caught us in time
and for that, i am most grateful
as it shows me why we keep this love alive

the joint effort of two crazy love fools
yet another positive step on our destined path
of honesty, trust, caring, and love--our very own truth...

s.m.

a thought

when i begin to learn how to stop feeling
i will then stop tearing

i wish i knew how to...

s.m.

a letter to my love...

You will be leaving in a few days, and boy is it hitting me now. I know I am good at pushing things away--sometimes in a good way, sometimes, not so good. Perhaps I was in denial this time, as I acknowledged you are leaving, but pushed the feelings away. The feelings are undeniable at this hour, however. The feelings are telling me that there may be absolutely no contact with my love for days. Although we struggle in our own ways over not seeing each other anywhere from one to five days in a row, at least we had ways to communicate, still. This time around, the phone may not work nor the letter idea as the stamps are from here--not there? Perhaps a postcard idea? But, regardless, your face and your voice will not be present during this time in which you will be away. I will not be there for you either, while you are relaxing, enjoying some stress free time, most likely wanting and wishing to share those moments with me.

I just wanted you to know that while away all day tomorrow, I will be thinking of you. I will be focussed on family, but a part of me will be on you--as it always is--wondering what you are doing, if you have eaten, if you are drinking enough water, if you are packed, if you are cleaning, and of course of how much I just love you.

I hope that you and your sister and her friend have a great time, and a very safe journey. i will pray for your safety while travelling and while you are there.

I love you M.
love,

your S.

nyc

-first trip together outside of philly
-gazing out the train window in each other's arms
-shopping and more shopping
-holding hands on strange streets
-making do with bad salsa
-know-it-all turned knows-nothing cabbies
-raindrops
-tender hugs
-meeting your friend
-meeting a korean man
-silly talk
-annoying sorority girl on the train
-more laughter
-stares and glances and touch
-keeping each other calm at the garage
-holding hands
-a dream come true again of waking up next to you
-i love you...

s.m.

"8"

at times, the day runs by us
without a moment to say hello
our lives suffocate us
without a chance to feel higher than low
but then comes the burst of energy
telling us to quickly hold on
for if we can not believe
then it will be gone
so we learn and grow
we may stumble but then fly
and by this eigth month, it goes to show
how much we connect , how hard we try
for all those times and more it seems
i wish for love to be the eternal kind
magical beyond our dreams
let us cherish these times...

`s.m.

things we accomplished...

goosebumps
intellectual book club idea
hugs
fingers through hair
a moment for us only...

s.m.

destiny...

written on 06/03/07 , 07:30pm

It is destiny
One says
To be able to savor the way
She sways
Like so
Dancing arms and toes
Ringing your mental alarm and so
In that motion
exists future devotion noted in a moment’s flicker
Lingers like the scent off a scratch-n-sniff sticker
Strong cherry, lemon line, or deep chocolate
Very tempting signs which you can not block
For it is destiny
One says
To be able to love her even before
She swam into you and across your shores
Carrying on
That song
Keeping you alive and breathing
Seeking out and not hiding
You take that leap
Forsake those who weep
In their own ignorance
Shown as righteousness
For it is destiny
One says
To be able to sacrifice for each other
Without even thinking
As much
At one point drinking in the sinking fear
Of loss and such
Tearing at the memory of her touch
But you then remember the power
Greater than any other
It will crumble your lack of faith
And build for you a path to stumble back onto for destiny’s sake…

s.m.

i miss her
my love is the one i speak of...

memories are stirred
as if from ages ago
even though
we've known each other not so long
yet in my mind, as if an old song
these thoughts travel through
the images so true
and my fingers
they strum the air as the tune lingers
as helpless as can be
i sit and wait for thee...

s.m.

seven...

a bit later than expected
but 'tis here

from the time we connected
we've grown through great bliss and great tears

we've managed to live through a tornado of madness
whirled by us complete with grenade launching sadness

thinking there will be no end , no solution
only unhappiness and doubt to tend to, negative energy pollution


but we've also managed quite a sense of love and caring
in thought, sight, and of our mutual need for understanding

with an unknown force guiding us along the way
telling us not to go, but fight , be strong and stay

we push through , for and with each other
we pull through, even before our time and will continue to forever...


s.m.

missing...

she does not feel my love

she thinks i ask for us to pretend

she is unhappy only when she thinks about me

did i lose my love?

anxiety...

creeping into my thoughts
puncturing and creating wounds
fluttering butterflies
muttering lies
step in , step out
dream or reality
can anyone save me
possible disaster
possibly pleasant
eyelids floating
across time
seeking assistance from the Divine
One
frantically numb
mechanically euphoric
no right or wrong
fight to be strong...

s.m.

element...

yes, i was in my element
as my sisters preached on
spreading their testament
sweet songs
translucent
separating the tone
from the movement
creating a zone
paralyzing effects
no denying the power
as if they already knew of my requests
and tripled mind-profits within the hour,
different sounds , different sets
the beats , they broke free and towered
passing all kinds of tests
on how to empower
the voices, they bled
love and history
with anguish and sweat
oh wait, i'm sorry
what of my element did you not get
for this was about HERstory
where her rhymes met
and washed down my worries...

s.m.

seeing you...

...made me forget my troubles
the blue on you pulled me towards you
as if i'd never seen you before
and i fell in love with you all over again

you made it last though
with your smiles
our laughter and chatter
not hiding our copping and sliding

i enjoyed our time
however short in the span of our lives
one short night but in sunshine
where our eyes became alive...

s.m.

finally..

close to a week
since i have seen you
felt you
kissed you

i can't wait to see you....

life goes on...

i am not allowed to compare
although it is not what i do
as i feel that if something is in you
then there is hope
for us as well

i am told i can leave
because you predict
that i will tire of you
then be out of your way
then life will go on

you are tired of me saying
the things i do
that i try
that i hope
that i hurt

you do not want to give me that control
no, rather, you do not wish to lose any yourself
as you will proudly predict that you knew
i'd write, we'd give each other some time

you add that you do not wish to pretend
but that in time, we'll go back to it
then perhaps fight again
the process continues
and then i may leave

you are not God.
you can say i will be the one to leave
as it is easier to say that
and hurt me
rather than for you to change


and if you keep pushing me rather than trying
you may only realize this fact about yourself
unfortunately, in your afterlife
and not with me

hence, life will not go on
for what is life
if you truly felt you found 'the one'
if i truly felt we were and will be together

now comes the hard work
but who has checked out already
it is not i
please take the time to learn about love...

the drafts blew
harder at some points than others
i would shiver and then look over at you
as you shivered as well, my twin, my mother

as the coldness gained strength
over our bodies and took over our lives
i pondered at length
until at last , an answer arrived

i thought about my body and how it felt
as the cold air first tapped me on the shoulder
combined it with the strawberry sherbet that made my heart melt
then came the cold's boldness

as if my bones were made out of fluid
easily chilled
high hopes for possible soup, ruined
as i got my ice cream fill

i then finally came to wonder
that if i could feel the cold so much
like spiked chains wrapped around my legs to pull me under
then certainly, you would have felt more than such?

as my body ached
and stiffened and began to warn me
i put my hands under me for circulation's sake
waiting for that hot cup of tea

but you must have been worse off
in your older being
i could tell by your cough
and by what i was seeing

i wished right then and there
that i could save you
but would i dare
as you proudly denied it all--so what could i do?

i watched and waited
for the time to leap and us to follow
for you to make it
and hopefully, a better tomorrow...

s.m.

part of life...

although i know
the aging process
is part of life
it is difficult, very much so
for the caregiver to watch
and live with
to get past the sadness, the pain, the helplessness
and simply continue to be there for that person

it was hard today, i will admit
to watch you suffer
to catch those moments
where you wince, close your eyes, hold in the pain

my breath was stolen during each of those moments
when you held your neck
after slightly turning
to say hello to a friend
and you realized you turned too fast

when you needed to cough and grab some water
as food had gotten stuck in your throat yet again

when you tried to straighten out your cramping fingers
unable to cut up your own food

when you walked looking down every 5 seconds
afraid of tripping or falling

when you kept your arms out a little bit when walking
afraid of losing your balance

when you do lose that balance
and do all that you can to keep yourself
and your dignity up

this is truly only the beginning

Lord give me strength to be there for her
during the times when she will need me
ask me for help
and also for the times like now
when she fights, says she is ok
and not handicapped in any way

stubbornness sure runs through our veins mother...

s.m.

mother...

so you have returned
and although a part of you is dying to
go back
to your new home
in your old land
another part of you
tells you to stay
you worry so much
and pray so hard
for me
i probably do not feel any other's pain
as i have felt yours
perhaps considering the fact that a lot of it
is regarding myself
perhaps it is due to the fact that
we are beyond connected
beyond you having given birth to me
as even today
we had a moment, yet again
where i was thinking of something
and there you stated out loud to others
the very same thing--at the very same moment
it was a question and thought more
random
rather than routine
and even though i was at peace with more proof
of our connection
i was also disturbed by it
for there is one thing in my mind
which i have held for so long about myself
longing to tell you at times
fearing to tell you at times
thus i wondered today
what else can you read from me?
what else have you picked up on me
have i shamed you?
i am sure i already have
but how about even more than what is to be expected?
do you know?
are you in denial?
perhaps you do not have a clue
and are just confused
day in and day out
a constant dull pain
throughout your system
when my name, face or presence enters
your heart...

s.m.

my ego is bigger than my love for you - you about me


i only care when things are going well - you about me



when one hurts, everything will hurt
and i feel as if i am not even enough for you
to give you some hope
in life
in love
if i try, it is as if i am wrong
because you can only see wrong
as if i am not truly thinking of you
if i do not try, i am wrong
because you wonder why i do not
but you push and push
and then accuse
after you've pushed
and i am left silenced... -me about us

what a day...

what a day
today was
for you and i
as you said hi to my parents before heading out
i took you through new routes, grabbed your grub
where i felt such love even then
and again, as my mother took a liking to you
i knew, as she recalled with me , your
allure, openness
then you, hoping to make that connection so badly
but sadly, could not stay longer
you stayed strong, with a trip to the dreaded mall
was not bad after all with our purchases and quick exit
leading us to the next trip, a beautiful walk
we talked and laughed and became one
with the earth, the sun greeting us in every turn
a lesson for us learned in every movement
i treasured every moment...

s.m.

6...

in 6
you've allowed me to
come out of my shell
to be free to love
free to show happiness

in 6
you've allowed me to
care
to hold you
in my thoughts and my hands

in 6
you've allowed me to
smile into eternity
and follow my heart
thank you...

s.m.

silence...

it is here
pouring out
of my ears
at this lazy hour

i breathe it in
to help
regroup
then exhale

movements are slow
thoughts jog with caution
memories are filed
and refiled

surroundings are taken note of
a loose wire
a crumb
comfort in words

alone
but not alone
waiting
learning

in silence.

s.m.

journey...

i am here
as i said i would be
trying my best
to protect you from
the blades
of sad
which slice
through your thoughts

trying to let you know
now and again
spoken and unspoken
that i love you
and will grow with you
through your journey
which has carefully stumbled
upon that of my own...

-s.m.

i tried
and tried
to close my weary eyes
but my mouth
and my lungs
were not ready
to go
they coughed
and huffed and puffed
having me wonder
what else will spew
from my internal organs
my muscles
my thoughts

'twas a miserable time of sleep
in and out
far from peaceful
as i coughed at different points in time
nonstop
for several minutes
my lungs felt squeezed
one by one
leaving me
having to learn how to control
my breathing
so as to not stop
and now that i am awake more tired than before
i try to eat
since that is what i should do
but my stomach does not allow for any
my heart is slowly closing for the day as well
but not by my own decision

a thought about
you and i
and why
we can not get past
misunderstands
for if we know we
misunderstand
why do we not try then
one gives up
and the other is at a loss
where is the communication
the respect
the desire to work
the ease where one can say
i'm sorry
the other repeats
and we try try again
once some of this is let go of
we are let go of
i feel i am slipping from you
while i dangle
my weak heart and mind
in front of you
but you have not taken it
rather
you would wish to ignore it...

i am not just an "f-in therapist gf"
as you have so nicely put it several times now
this time, adding that you do not need some intervention from me

i wish i were not what i am in my professional life
so you could see that this part of me is ME
it was always there before my job
and this part of ME is only trying to care
trying to simply be your gf...

this is how small i feel

the clocks are ticking
my laptop is buzzing
the fridge is humming

the light is on
for it is the only
thing
making me feel alive

as i cough
and type
and scan the screen
my room
my fingers
and work
as hard as i can
to not scream
to stop the crying
to not give in
to the stream
of thoughts
tempting me
right now
in my head...

please God let this pass. i will stay up all night if i have to, and cry a million tears if i have to, just to not give in.
i feel so unloved.
misunderstood.
mistrusted.
thrown away.


i wonder how long she's been missing the love of her life.
then again, i know how long.
she's never stopped.


why was she so careless
in the way she told me

why have the edge
of wanting
to hurt me.



release me from my torture God
turn this neverending night
into day
so that i may try again
one day at a time again
just like old times...

please help me.
i am weak right now.
You know where i wish to be
and wish to do.
but do not allow any of it to happen.
i will fight if You help me.
thank You.

she tends to ask questions at times
one question being:
"do you think you'll ever get bored with me?"
my answer as always:
"never!"
i answer with such ferver at times
truthfully meaning it
i only foresee a great future ahead for us
although bumpy at times
we have a present and a future
and definitely had a past
but for the first time she admitted
to being bored with me
i guess i never thought to flip the question on her...

i think it is amazing
one's perception of a question
how varied the response can be
but how much does one take the time
to mull over that question
if any doubt, even ask questions to better understand
the original question
versus
simply responding

no.
i never want you to feel as if you have to 'report' or check in with me.
that is not who i am.
i asked for something you ask of me, showing that you care.
and think of how hurt i was, as you would have been if i had done the same to you.


as my congested heart beats faintly
salty water trickles around
my veins
my half opened eyes
take in such hurt
with great misery
ready for a wide opened grave
why a loved one would be as such
words cutting into my soul
pushing me to confusion
raising my voice
confusion
questioning her
but then comes her denial
of such
and then i am blamed
for similar pain
when meanwhile my efforts
to care
are easily brushed aside
blown away into the night
like scattered ashes
although, those are to be released
thus comes the next hurtful set of words
"you may do whatever you wish"
as uncaring and cold as that sounds
as if wanting for me to be released
then why do i still try to show you
that i am more than your friend, no less
and not your enemy
and each time, my own words
crumble
against your heavy armor
and when that does not work
i stay silent
uncertain
then comes your impatience
your words
and you predict
time without us
whereas one would assume
after all this hurt
you would look forward to
returning to each other
but no
and we continue
in a lull
where i am again,
mistrusted and feeling unwanted by you...

s.m.

thank you...

-i got the best looking wild roses ever ;o)
-help buying a new phone
-help with cooking no-no's
-tons of laughter and fun
-tons of kisses-deliberate and ambushed
-a wonderful night in your arms where i belong every night
-yet another surreal moment , this time on the way to and at a Baptist church--in the end, i did not break the tradition of going to church on Palm Sunday...

alas i shall now sit and wait
for my love to return to me
for a brief meeting, 'dreaded' group outing, or another date
i shall wait for thee...

s.m.

heal me...

while i close my tired eyes
and curl my lonely legs
my knees touch my chest
arms and hands--for you, they beg

but alas for now
i hope to dream away
of you and i
on better days

i can make out your figure now
as you come to me
amidst chaos and the world
you somehow still find me

and i am reassured
that i will be able to sleep
because you are in my thoughts
and in your love , i fall so deep....

s.m.

not enough...

wonder if i will always be
not enough...

waiting...

there is intermittent chatter and answers
of calls and questions and some banter

there are waves of warmth and then cold drafts
the air condition villian blows dust in my face and laughs

i resist the temptation to sneeze
squeeze my eyes shut tight and then go to work on my knees

the pain remains while i massage away
more to follow at night rather than during the day

the seconds and minutes grow
the hours snap back at me, "i know, i know!"

i look to my left to check on the 'crisis caller champ'
then to the window only to see that it is cloudy and damp

i take a sip of my soda and with a sleepy sigh i wait
take another call, think about tonight's plans and on how not to be late...

s.m.

i can't....

waaaaaait!!!

thank you for planning today out....
;o)

5...

and now we near number five
although still feels as if it has been much longer
as if centuries ago, our love had first arrived

and what if this were true
whatever form we inhabited
our souls were never new

what if the passion for one another
not only surpassed time
but the innate uniqueness of one another

what have we learned or have yet to
through our love travel
where have we been and where must we get to

with centuries more to go
happy number five
i am hoping this charged love will only continue to grow...

s.m.