life goes on...

i am not allowed to compare
although it is not what i do
as i feel that if something is in you
then there is hope
for us as well

i am told i can leave
because you predict
that i will tire of you
then be out of your way
then life will go on

you are tired of me saying
the things i do
that i try
that i hope
that i hurt

you do not want to give me that control
no, rather, you do not wish to lose any yourself
as you will proudly predict that you knew
i'd write, we'd give each other some time

you add that you do not wish to pretend
but that in time, we'll go back to it
then perhaps fight again
the process continues
and then i may leave

you are not God.
you can say i will be the one to leave
as it is easier to say that
and hurt me
rather than for you to change


and if you keep pushing me rather than trying
you may only realize this fact about yourself
unfortunately, in your afterlife
and not with me

hence, life will not go on
for what is life
if you truly felt you found 'the one'
if i truly felt we were and will be together

now comes the hard work
but who has checked out already
it is not i
please take the time to learn about love...

the drafts blew
harder at some points than others
i would shiver and then look over at you
as you shivered as well, my twin, my mother

as the coldness gained strength
over our bodies and took over our lives
i pondered at length
until at last , an answer arrived

i thought about my body and how it felt
as the cold air first tapped me on the shoulder
combined it with the strawberry sherbet that made my heart melt
then came the cold's boldness

as if my bones were made out of fluid
easily chilled
high hopes for possible soup, ruined
as i got my ice cream fill

i then finally came to wonder
that if i could feel the cold so much
like spiked chains wrapped around my legs to pull me under
then certainly, you would have felt more than such?

as my body ached
and stiffened and began to warn me
i put my hands under me for circulation's sake
waiting for that hot cup of tea

but you must have been worse off
in your older being
i could tell by your cough
and by what i was seeing

i wished right then and there
that i could save you
but would i dare
as you proudly denied it all--so what could i do?

i watched and waited
for the time to leap and us to follow
for you to make it
and hopefully, a better tomorrow...

s.m.

part of life...

although i know
the aging process
is part of life
it is difficult, very much so
for the caregiver to watch
and live with
to get past the sadness, the pain, the helplessness
and simply continue to be there for that person

it was hard today, i will admit
to watch you suffer
to catch those moments
where you wince, close your eyes, hold in the pain

my breath was stolen during each of those moments
when you held your neck
after slightly turning
to say hello to a friend
and you realized you turned too fast

when you needed to cough and grab some water
as food had gotten stuck in your throat yet again

when you tried to straighten out your cramping fingers
unable to cut up your own food

when you walked looking down every 5 seconds
afraid of tripping or falling

when you kept your arms out a little bit when walking
afraid of losing your balance

when you do lose that balance
and do all that you can to keep yourself
and your dignity up

this is truly only the beginning

Lord give me strength to be there for her
during the times when she will need me
ask me for help
and also for the times like now
when she fights, says she is ok
and not handicapped in any way

stubbornness sure runs through our veins mother...

s.m.

mother...

so you have returned
and although a part of you is dying to
go back
to your new home
in your old land
another part of you
tells you to stay
you worry so much
and pray so hard
for me
i probably do not feel any other's pain
as i have felt yours
perhaps considering the fact that a lot of it
is regarding myself
perhaps it is due to the fact that
we are beyond connected
beyond you having given birth to me
as even today
we had a moment, yet again
where i was thinking of something
and there you stated out loud to others
the very same thing--at the very same moment
it was a question and thought more
random
rather than routine
and even though i was at peace with more proof
of our connection
i was also disturbed by it
for there is one thing in my mind
which i have held for so long about myself
longing to tell you at times
fearing to tell you at times
thus i wondered today
what else can you read from me?
what else have you picked up on me
have i shamed you?
i am sure i already have
but how about even more than what is to be expected?
do you know?
are you in denial?
perhaps you do not have a clue
and are just confused
day in and day out
a constant dull pain
throughout your system
when my name, face or presence enters
your heart...

s.m.

my ego is bigger than my love for you - you about me


i only care when things are going well - you about me



when one hurts, everything will hurt
and i feel as if i am not even enough for you
to give you some hope
in life
in love
if i try, it is as if i am wrong
because you can only see wrong
as if i am not truly thinking of you
if i do not try, i am wrong
because you wonder why i do not
but you push and push
and then accuse
after you've pushed
and i am left silenced... -me about us

what a day...

what a day
today was
for you and i
as you said hi to my parents before heading out
i took you through new routes, grabbed your grub
where i felt such love even then
and again, as my mother took a liking to you
i knew, as she recalled with me , your
allure, openness
then you, hoping to make that connection so badly
but sadly, could not stay longer
you stayed strong, with a trip to the dreaded mall
was not bad after all with our purchases and quick exit
leading us to the next trip, a beautiful walk
we talked and laughed and became one
with the earth, the sun greeting us in every turn
a lesson for us learned in every movement
i treasured every moment...

s.m.

6...

in 6
you've allowed me to
come out of my shell
to be free to love
free to show happiness

in 6
you've allowed me to
care
to hold you
in my thoughts and my hands

in 6
you've allowed me to
smile into eternity
and follow my heart
thank you...

s.m.

silence...

it is here
pouring out
of my ears
at this lazy hour

i breathe it in
to help
regroup
then exhale

movements are slow
thoughts jog with caution
memories are filed
and refiled

surroundings are taken note of
a loose wire
a crumb
comfort in words

alone
but not alone
waiting
learning

in silence.

s.m.

journey...

i am here
as i said i would be
trying my best
to protect you from
the blades
of sad
which slice
through your thoughts

trying to let you know
now and again
spoken and unspoken
that i love you
and will grow with you
through your journey
which has carefully stumbled
upon that of my own...

-s.m.

i tried
and tried
to close my weary eyes
but my mouth
and my lungs
were not ready
to go
they coughed
and huffed and puffed
having me wonder
what else will spew
from my internal organs
my muscles
my thoughts

'twas a miserable time of sleep
in and out
far from peaceful
as i coughed at different points in time
nonstop
for several minutes
my lungs felt squeezed
one by one
leaving me
having to learn how to control
my breathing
so as to not stop
and now that i am awake more tired than before
i try to eat
since that is what i should do
but my stomach does not allow for any
my heart is slowly closing for the day as well
but not by my own decision

a thought about
you and i
and why
we can not get past
misunderstands
for if we know we
misunderstand
why do we not try then
one gives up
and the other is at a loss
where is the communication
the respect
the desire to work
the ease where one can say
i'm sorry
the other repeats
and we try try again
once some of this is let go of
we are let go of
i feel i am slipping from you
while i dangle
my weak heart and mind
in front of you
but you have not taken it
rather
you would wish to ignore it...

i am not just an "f-in therapist gf"
as you have so nicely put it several times now
this time, adding that you do not need some intervention from me

i wish i were not what i am in my professional life
so you could see that this part of me is ME
it was always there before my job
and this part of ME is only trying to care
trying to simply be your gf...

this is how small i feel

the clocks are ticking
my laptop is buzzing
the fridge is humming

the light is on
for it is the only
thing
making me feel alive

as i cough
and type
and scan the screen
my room
my fingers
and work
as hard as i can
to not scream
to stop the crying
to not give in
to the stream
of thoughts
tempting me
right now
in my head...

please God let this pass. i will stay up all night if i have to, and cry a million tears if i have to, just to not give in.
i feel so unloved.
misunderstood.
mistrusted.
thrown away.


i wonder how long she's been missing the love of her life.
then again, i know how long.
she's never stopped.


why was she so careless
in the way she told me

why have the edge
of wanting
to hurt me.



release me from my torture God
turn this neverending night
into day
so that i may try again
one day at a time again
just like old times...

please help me.
i am weak right now.
You know where i wish to be
and wish to do.
but do not allow any of it to happen.
i will fight if You help me.
thank You.

she tends to ask questions at times
one question being:
"do you think you'll ever get bored with me?"
my answer as always:
"never!"
i answer with such ferver at times
truthfully meaning it
i only foresee a great future ahead for us
although bumpy at times
we have a present and a future
and definitely had a past
but for the first time she admitted
to being bored with me
i guess i never thought to flip the question on her...

i think it is amazing
one's perception of a question
how varied the response can be
but how much does one take the time
to mull over that question
if any doubt, even ask questions to better understand
the original question
versus
simply responding

no.
i never want you to feel as if you have to 'report' or check in with me.
that is not who i am.
i asked for something you ask of me, showing that you care.
and think of how hurt i was, as you would have been if i had done the same to you.


as my congested heart beats faintly
salty water trickles around
my veins
my half opened eyes
take in such hurt
with great misery
ready for a wide opened grave
why a loved one would be as such
words cutting into my soul
pushing me to confusion
raising my voice
confusion
questioning her
but then comes her denial
of such
and then i am blamed
for similar pain
when meanwhile my efforts
to care
are easily brushed aside
blown away into the night
like scattered ashes
although, those are to be released
thus comes the next hurtful set of words
"you may do whatever you wish"
as uncaring and cold as that sounds
as if wanting for me to be released
then why do i still try to show you
that i am more than your friend, no less
and not your enemy
and each time, my own words
crumble
against your heavy armor
and when that does not work
i stay silent
uncertain
then comes your impatience
your words
and you predict
time without us
whereas one would assume
after all this hurt
you would look forward to
returning to each other
but no
and we continue
in a lull
where i am again,
mistrusted and feeling unwanted by you...

s.m.

thank you...

-i got the best looking wild roses ever ;o)
-help buying a new phone
-help with cooking no-no's
-tons of laughter and fun
-tons of kisses-deliberate and ambushed
-a wonderful night in your arms where i belong every night
-yet another surreal moment , this time on the way to and at a Baptist church--in the end, i did not break the tradition of going to church on Palm Sunday...

alas i shall now sit and wait
for my love to return to me
for a brief meeting, 'dreaded' group outing, or another date
i shall wait for thee...

s.m.