this is how small i feel

the clocks are ticking
my laptop is buzzing
the fridge is humming

the light is on
for it is the only
thing
making me feel alive

as i cough
and type
and scan the screen
my room
my fingers
and work
as hard as i can
to not scream
to stop the crying
to not give in
to the stream
of thoughts
tempting me
right now
in my head...

please God let this pass. i will stay up all night if i have to, and cry a million tears if i have to, just to not give in.
i feel so unloved.
misunderstood.
mistrusted.
thrown away.


i wonder how long she's been missing the love of her life.
then again, i know how long.
she's never stopped.


why was she so careless
in the way she told me

why have the edge
of wanting
to hurt me.



release me from my torture God
turn this neverending night
into day
so that i may try again
one day at a time again
just like old times...

please help me.
i am weak right now.
You know where i wish to be
and wish to do.
but do not allow any of it to happen.
i will fight if You help me.
thank You.