...

'sad'
seems so plain
so mundane

what would qualify as beyond sad
the endless tears
the lack of fight
and more flight

what would be deeper than sad
numbness
me...

s.m.

19 ways...

19 ways i love thee...

1. i wake up knowing i dreamt of you
2. if i did not dream of you, i still think of you first before allowing myself to rise up
3. your words talk me through my morning routine (and my whole day, actually)
4. i listen for the vibrating sound from my cell--or a new message from you in my email each morning
5. i rush to send you a good morning email
6. then i race against time to send you an 'i made it to work safely' email
7. i love our mid-day check-ins
8. i may mention or talk about you throughout my day to others
9. i love imitating your voice and mannerisms whether in my mind or in front of you
10. i worry about you..whether you've eaten, dressed properly for the weather, had a good/bad day
11. i wonder if your body needs healing
12. i wonder if your mind needs a rest
13. my train ride home consists of random thoughts, but always includes you, leaving me wishing for more
14. i daydream again of things like coming home to you--to our home
15. i i drive afterwards, completing my journey by constantly checking if you have sent a text or may call
16.i look forward to telling you i made it back home safely and what i plan to do next
17. i look forward to reading if you have had dinner, are relaxing, reading, washing dishes
18. i cherish you during our nightly talks, pretending you are here, then take you to bed with me
19. i pray for you

Happy 19th, my love...
~S.

the 18th...

a smile
a look
a roar
things i adore...

your unconditional love
touch
mind
all mine...

i am yours
'till we are no more
and if possible
even beyond

i am grateful for
and cherish
our time
together

what we have now
what we shall have in our future
so keep praying
and keep believing...

happy anniversary, love
s.m.

tonight...

my day will be complete
my mind, free
my smile, pleased
once i see my baby...

s.m.

Thank you...

for being my other half
my confidante
the one who makes me laugh

thank you...

for being my number one fan
my loving youngbuck
the one who broadens my attention span

thank you...

for being my life-line
my jaan
mine...

Happy Anniversary,
S.

...

when you miss her
it pains a great deal
from the depths of your being
beyond pictures or words you are reading
beyond lips and hips and the teasing
from the depths of my being

when you miss her
it pains a great deal
causing you to lose focus and sense of time
feeling low and not in line
accused of some ludacrous crime
but you are mine

when you miss her
it pains a great deal
wanting the harshness to end and either forget or forgive her
but either way, you want her for as long as you shall live
so pensive
so much left for me to share and give...

when you miss her
it pains a great deal
because the connection has been temporarily severed
and you are screaming out hoping God does not make it last forever...
please, when thinking of us, never say never
ever...

s.m.

promises...

i wonder
how strong promises really are
when all else is against us
preparing for that tense rush

do we have the power
the strength
to follow through
with what we would like to do?

will each battle
scar us to where we can not
see
or will we just carry on and let things be

can we honestly not just say
we will be here for each other
but also show that our pain
is nothing but some washable stain?

i wonder
if we will be not worth remembering
or rather, quite the opposite
and know in our unique way
how to place our love above those bad days...

s.m.

dear m :

i can't go to sleep, and so i thought i'd write you my thoughts. i have so much trouble saying out loud these thoughts, although while being with you, i am proud to say i have come a long way in that area...however, unfortunately, i am revealing thoughts which may only sound confusing, sad, or painful...and i am truly sorry for that.

first, not to give you the wrong impression--i am not trying to write some good bye letter. i DO know that neither of us truly wish to be apart, or out of each other's lives, or to be sad. but the fact that you broke down enough today to say you can not handle it anymore, made me think about things further.

you see, the 'sad' part we do not wish to feel--we do feel this, and a great deal at times. you may go deeper into your sadness more than i, or i may be there along with you, just unable to express it as you do. point is, it is there and not healthy for you or myself. i had to really think, have i been selfish all this time staying with you? i ask this because i then asked myself: "why am i with her?" although there are so many unknowns in life and relationships, my initial answer to this question is quite simple even if what we have is far from that: " because i love her and truly believe we were meant to be. it has to be right...it has to be true.." then, i had to ask myself, if i am saying i believe our love is right and true--first of all, how should i even be defining 'right' ? second, what is true love and do we have it? third, if our love is true, and right--which i believe it is both--then HOW do we fight all that is against us in order to stay above the waters...to stay above our fears and a harsh reality that we call 'life'?

so, coming back to my first question of if i have been selfish--if i truly love you, then i should be able to set you free, as you asked me too earlier. i should be able to let go of control, and let you live life without the pain you would endure if you were with me. you go through enough to begin with, why should i add to it? at the same time, whether it is 'control', or a twisted kind of love, or my sense that we truly are meant to be--even if through a hellish kind of life--how can i let you go?? besides, in my mind, 'right' is what we have, and 'right' sometimes can be painful, and not always pleasant. as for 'true love' and whether or not we have it...well, that may be in the eye of the beholder, and my eye clearly sees a love so deep as if it were born along with the birth of the Universe ...when the first second had passed, the first ray of light smiled upon this world, and when the first raindrop quenched the thirst of the earth.

now. how do we fight what keeps us apart? how do we cope at least in order to manage, to get by. how do we not let our frustrations and feelings of defeat drop us all over the place, making us assume that the 'magical' happy life together we can look forward to may never really exist or ever show itself to us. HOW do we not give up??

all i know at this point, is that i feel i have lost a part of you. perhaps the sadness you feel has hidden that part of you from me, or perhaps reality has taken it away from the both of us. i know that you love me, as i love you. however, it seems to not be enough to help us. we need to keep our connection going, because all it takes is doubt to break that connection. and i wish so much, to know the answers to difficult questions, solutions to difficult issues. i wish so much, for us to be together and not give up.

but then am i being selfish, speaking from the heart of someone who does not want to give up the greatest love of her life?

i wish i knew what to do...

will love you always,
~s.

if only i could...

if only i could...

stop being the one who only dreams
of flying high
only dreams
of my words dancing and enhancing
evolving and solving all kinds of
impossible equations,
slicing into minds but not too deeply like an abrasion

and
then i

catch a nod or two of a head,
someone saying, "that's right"
all from what i just said...
creating momentum
i am
flying
high


but if only i could

as my fears consume me
if only i could
stop the choking
sensation and hallucinations
of humiliation
then i could
fly


if only i could...

if only i could
turn my back on my lack of attack
my weakness turning into bleakness
nothing prepared to share
no shine from mine
BUT in time
if only i could...

s.m.

16...

i watch the clock
hearing it tick tock
closer to the hour
holding such power

i smile at the thought of you
having to remind me (whew)
but of course i would have remembered
another month, another number

but more importantly
we hold onto our love so delicately
bookmarking mouths and fingers and eyes in our hearts so carefully
not wanting to lose the other so carelessly...

happy 16th, my love
yours,
~s.

happy valentine's day ;o)

i may not be a dorkus maximus
poems intertwined with images of us
or 'puter pics and qoutes related

but how wonderful as you create
such masterpieces to this day
continuing to show your commitment

forgive me for what i may lack in that category
but perhaps you can still feel my love for you, hopefully
as i try, in my own way, to prove myself to you

all my thoughts of you, dreams of day and night
bring me closer to our journey's light
and for that, i love you even more

Happy Valentine's Day, my love
yours eternally,

~s.

kutta...

i am sorry for the times i pain you
make you wonder about me
or lose faith in what could be for us

i need us both to stay strong though
and i am willing to do so
as i want nothing more than to be with you

it is as if we have a lot going against us at times
but we also have each other
to help push past those things

forgive me for any mistakes
and believe in me that i am doing what i can
and will do what i can to make it work for us

i love you so much my kutta...
s.m.

15...

this many times and more,
would i love to whisper into your ear,
and share how much i love you...
how i wish to protect you
how i feel we are meant to be
and still, am in love with you...

you continue to mean so much to me
as every fiber of my being reaches out
knowing you so well
but wanting to learn even more
thank you for being in my life
i love you, kutta...

s.m.