dear m :

i can't go to sleep, and so i thought i'd write you my thoughts. i have so much trouble saying out loud these thoughts, although while being with you, i am proud to say i have come a long way in that area...however, unfortunately, i am revealing thoughts which may only sound confusing, sad, or painful...and i am truly sorry for that.

first, not to give you the wrong impression--i am not trying to write some good bye letter. i DO know that neither of us truly wish to be apart, or out of each other's lives, or to be sad. but the fact that you broke down enough today to say you can not handle it anymore, made me think about things further.

you see, the 'sad' part we do not wish to feel--we do feel this, and a great deal at times. you may go deeper into your sadness more than i, or i may be there along with you, just unable to express it as you do. point is, it is there and not healthy for you or myself. i had to really think, have i been selfish all this time staying with you? i ask this because i then asked myself: "why am i with her?" although there are so many unknowns in life and relationships, my initial answer to this question is quite simple even if what we have is far from that: " because i love her and truly believe we were meant to be. it has to be right...it has to be true.." then, i had to ask myself, if i am saying i believe our love is right and true--first of all, how should i even be defining 'right' ? second, what is true love and do we have it? third, if our love is true, and right--which i believe it is both--then HOW do we fight all that is against us in order to stay above the waters...to stay above our fears and a harsh reality that we call 'life'?

so, coming back to my first question of if i have been selfish--if i truly love you, then i should be able to set you free, as you asked me too earlier. i should be able to let go of control, and let you live life without the pain you would endure if you were with me. you go through enough to begin with, why should i add to it? at the same time, whether it is 'control', or a twisted kind of love, or my sense that we truly are meant to be--even if through a hellish kind of life--how can i let you go?? besides, in my mind, 'right' is what we have, and 'right' sometimes can be painful, and not always pleasant. as for 'true love' and whether or not we have it...well, that may be in the eye of the beholder, and my eye clearly sees a love so deep as if it were born along with the birth of the Universe ...when the first second had passed, the first ray of light smiled upon this world, and when the first raindrop quenched the thirst of the earth.

now. how do we fight what keeps us apart? how do we cope at least in order to manage, to get by. how do we not let our frustrations and feelings of defeat drop us all over the place, making us assume that the 'magical' happy life together we can look forward to may never really exist or ever show itself to us. HOW do we not give up??

all i know at this point, is that i feel i have lost a part of you. perhaps the sadness you feel has hidden that part of you from me, or perhaps reality has taken it away from the both of us. i know that you love me, as i love you. however, it seems to not be enough to help us. we need to keep our connection going, because all it takes is doubt to break that connection. and i wish so much, to know the answers to difficult questions, solutions to difficult issues. i wish so much, for us to be together and not give up.

but then am i being selfish, speaking from the heart of someone who does not want to give up the greatest love of her life?

i wish i knew what to do...

will love you always,
~s.