i wonder...

if words
may be the key
to one's soul
then i shall write

in hopes of reaching
what is inside
controlling
puppets of love...

tortured by an emotion
a feeling , perhaps
whatever it may be
it consumes me

although i have spoken of energy
of connections
of love
how can i not question: is it enough

it feels as if we are trapped
in some twisted mirage of a destiny
where we are to touch and taste and see
but never to be

what lesson is there for us
to gain
what unfinished duty
do we have
with each other

are we unravelling what was meant to be
hearts and love
dreams of day and night
all aside

meant to carry out our lives
in this manner
sinking into such sadness
feeling as if nothing matters

what have our souls done
to inherit this cell
created by whom or what
'tis a mystery

are the answers
as unclear as they seem
are the desires we seek
the wrong path

i do not know
as i stumble
tear after tear
and simply wonder...

s.m.

14...

lately i've been amazed by the intensity
of my love for you

the overwhelming angst
when i can not see you

the way my eyes respond
when i am touched by you

how is it possible for love
to grow

to this extent
where my heart paces

constantly seeking
a union of sorts

trying to locate
its missing piece

and only until you are found
and we are together

will my heart settle down
as it does after we have made sweet love

my love for you
i feel, will continue

to long for you
and grow

leaving me
amazed and blissful...

happy 14th my love~

s.m.

tonight...

was magical
in its own right
no fancy dinner
no special plans
just you and i
after a long day
just you and i baby...

love,
s.m

meeting...

i saw your eyes
and
all the pain i had been feeling up until that point
vanished
and everything i want for us
came back full force into my mind
along with myself
into your arms...

s.m.

wonder how things got this way
perhaps if i were not gay

i would then not have to be ashamed
live the life i've lived
splitting one into two
becoming, playing the part of, hating

i do believe in a Higher Power
so how could this Higher Power of mine
have me as miserable as i've come to be

not able to be there for others
the way they would like for me to be
my love
my family
myself

there must be a reason
has to be

for how long then must i trudge on
clothed in this lie i've created
i slowly unravel
and they do say it is a 'process'
but alas, just not fast enough...

s.m.

i am...

misunderstood
less than
not good enough
a problem
doubted
not as caring
not as loving
not you...


***

numb
hollow
filled with dread
filled with nothing
torn
confused
hurt
lifeless...


***

lost to you
lost to the world
lost to myself
lost...


***

wishing i were gone
wishing that my life were different
wishing that i did not come to know life
wishing that no one cared for me
before, now, or after...