wondering, part II

wonder what kind of patterns exist within my life and within me

wonder if i am attracted to those who have similar qualities to a parent

wonder why those qualities can't be my mom's

wonder how that happens though, it is not as if i have met people after knowing such things,and still decide to stay

wonder if those people found in me, patterns from their lives

wonder if i were meant to be depressed forever

wonder how i can help everyone else in this world, but not myself

wonder how i got to 100 % fine, and i feel cut down to 30 % at the moment

wonder when i will not only reach, but stay at 100% fine

-s.m.

wondering...

how many times have we possibly met or possibly crossed paths or possibly heard of each other?

how many times have we been given the chance to see one another, but we did not take it?

were we meant to meet those other times?

were were continuously given such chances like a HUGE S.O.S sign flashing across the sky at night in order to meet, but we never did?

were we being lead to the moment in which we did finally meet?

if we had met earlier, would it have been less amazing of a meeting?

if we had met earlier, would we have not been ready for each other?

are we ready for each other now?

4...

so you have beaten me thus far
counting up since then
now at our fourth star

keep track
my love
so that we do not take any steps back

moving forward you and i
it is where we were meant to find love
inside your hungry kisses and my open sky

keep track
my love
so that we do not take any steps back

we carry and bear for each other
what is being nurtured
our next symbolic number...

s.m.

you...

what is the meaning of you
coming into my life as you have
a fast and furious whirlwind before i even knew

i felt it from the start
what i could not understand
from the tips of my eyes to the core of my heart

how was i to know
as confusion settled in at first
where this connection would go

was i even thinking
as perhaps denial whispered softly
into my inner being where it began sinking

then it became time for me
to realize that you
have become that which allows me to see

i know
that i was meant to cross paths with you
and not in a subtle way, but like so

it happened so quickly
time stood still enough
for you to capture me

my words and breath
mingled with images of you
wondering if we are seeing each other after even death

and now after having shared moments with you
i slow my pace down
so as to not let your sweet face disappear from my memory's view....

s.m.

swollen

i taste the salt
fresh sea
trickling out of me

it peers out first
from the confines of my lids
and wonders what it did

to be awoken
with such force and emotion
to create this sadness potion

it realizes there is no turning back
it must march forward and then dive
to an unknown destination must it arrive

knowing it is not alone
it takes one last look behind
there are plenty more ready and lined

one by one they push
knowing the purpose but not the reason
for my swollen season...

s.m.

my winter thus far..

i settle into myself
as the bear that hibernates, settles into her habitat
during the cold season

the same season overtakes me
re-writing my dreams
leaving me miserable and sad

fighting to stay above the freezing water
carefully treading over the solid ice
covering the lake of my thoughts

trying not to let the shooting pains
in my extremeties
catch wind of my fear

leaving patches of dryness
on the leaves of my skin
holding on so as not to break away...

s.m.

what i hear

My first blog...

watching and waiting
the blankness ticks

tugging and nudging
for my fingers to lick

the keys and tease
a hungry belly
of a white page at night...