sounds...

a looong time...

2010-02-07T08:24:00.000-08:00

so a looong looong time ago, i wrote in this blog...a lot. i'm thinking that a new take on life/new journey also means putting this blog to rest and beginning a new one. i'll work on that shortly ;o)

for all that it is worth, thanks to this particular blog of mine, for serving as my safe space, allowing me to vent and to be the open person i have much difficulty being out in the real world...

s.m.
02-07-10

...

2008-06-04T18:50:00.000-07:00

'sad'
seems so plain
so mundane

what would qualify as beyond sad
the endless tears
the lack of fight
and more flight

what would be deeper than sad
numbness
me...

s.m.

19 ways...

2008-05-19T19:43:00.000-07:00

19 ways i love thee...

1. i wake up knowing i dreamt of you
2. if i did not dream of you, i still think of you first before allowing myself to rise up
3. your words talk me through my morning routine (and my whole day, actually)
4. i listen for the vibrating sound from my cell--or a new message from you in my email each morning
5. i rush to send you a good morning email
6. then i race against time to send you an 'i made it to work safely' email
7. i love our mid-day check-ins
8. i may mention or talk about you throughout my day to others
9. i love imitating your voice and mannerisms whether in my mind or in front of you
10. i worry about you..whether you've eaten, dressed properly for the weather, had a good/bad day
11. i wonder if your body needs healing
12. i wonder if your mind needs a rest
13. my train ride home consists of random thoughts, but always includes you, leaving me wishing for more
14. i daydream again of things like coming home to you--to our home
15. i i drive afterwards, completing my journey by constantly checking if you have sent a text or may call
16.i look forward to telling you i made it back home safely and what i plan to do next
17. i look forward to reading if you have had dinner, are relaxing, reading, washing dishes
18. i cherish you during our nightly talks, pretending you are here, then take you to bed with me
19. i pray for you

Happy 19th, my love...
~S.

the 18th...

2008-04-20T05:44:00.000-07:00

a smile
a look
a roar
things i adore...

your unconditional love
touch
mind
all mine...

i am yours
'till we are no more
and if possible
even beyond

i am grateful for
and cherish
our time
together

what we have now
what we shall have in our future
so keep praying
and keep believing...

happy anniversary, love
s.m.

tonight...

2008-04-08T09:20:00.000-07:00

my day will be complete
my mind, free
my smile, pleased
once i see my baby...

s.m.

Thank you...

2008-03-19T20:15:00.001-07:00

for being my other half
my confidante
the one who makes me laugh

thank you...

for being my number one fan
my loving youngbuck
the one who broadens my attention span

thank you...

for being my life-line
my jaan
mine...

Happy Anniversary,
S.

...

2008-03-13T20:08:00.000-07:00

when you miss her
it pains a great deal
from the depths of your being
beyond pictures or words you are reading
beyond lips and hips and the teasing
from the depths of my being

when you miss her
it pains a great deal
causing you to lose focus and sense of time
feeling low and not in line
accused of some ludacrous crime
but you are mine

when you miss her
it pains a great deal
wanting the harshness to end and either forget or forgive her
but either way, you want her for as long as you shall live
so pensive
so much left for me to share and give...

when you miss her
it pains a great deal
because the connection has been temporarily severed
and you are screaming out hoping God does not make it last forever...
please, when thinking of us, never say never
ever...

s.m.

promises...

2008-03-13T19:44:00.000-07:00

i wonder
how strong promises really are
when all else is against us
preparing for that tense rush

do we have the power
the strength
to follow through
with what we would like to do?

will each battle
scar us to where we can not
see
or will we just carry on and let things be

can we honestly not just say
we will be here for each other
but also show that our pain
is nothing but some washable stain?

i wonder
if we will be not worth remembering
or rather, quite the opposite
and know in our unique way
how to place our love above those bad days...

s.m.

2008-03-08T22:25:00.000-08:00

dear m :

i can't go to sleep, and so i thought i'd write you my thoughts. i have so much trouble saying out loud these thoughts, although while being with you, i am proud to say i have come a long way in that area...however, unfortunately, i am revealing thoughts which may only sound confusing, sad, or painful...and i am truly sorry for that.

first, not to give you the wrong impression--i am not trying to write some good bye letter. i DO know that neither of us truly wish to be apart, or out of each other's lives, or to be sad. but the fact that you broke down enough today to say you can not handle it anymore, made me think about things further.

you see, the 'sad' part we do not wish to feel--we do feel this, and a great deal at times. you may go deeper into your sadness more than i, or i may be there along with you, just unable to express it as you do. point is, it is there and not healthy for you or myself. i had to really think, have i been selfish all this time staying with you? i ask this because i then asked myself: "why am i with her?" although there are so many unknowns in life and relationships, my initial answer to this question is quite simple even if what we have is far from that: " because i love her and truly believe we were meant to be. it has to be right...it has to be true.." then, i had to ask myself, if i am saying i believe our love is right and true--first of all, how should i even be defining 'right' ? second, what is true love and do we have it? third, if our love is true, and right--which i believe it is both--then HOW do we fight all that is against us in order to stay above the waters...to stay above our fears and a harsh reality that we call 'life'?

so, coming back to my first question of if i have been selfish--if i truly love you, then i should be able to set you free, as you asked me too earlier. i should be able to let go of control, and let you live life without the pain you would endure if you were with me. you go through enough to begin with, why should i add to it? at the same time, whether it is 'control', or a twisted kind of love, or my sense that we truly are meant to be--even if through a hellish kind of life--how can i let you go?? besides, in my mind, 'right' is what we have, and 'right' sometimes can be painful, and not always pleasant. as for 'true love' and whether or not we have it...well, that may be in the eye of the beholder, and my eye clearly sees a love so deep as if it were born along with the birth of the Universe ...when the first second had passed, the first ray of light smiled upon this world, and when the first raindrop quenched the thirst of the earth.

now. how do we fight what keeps us apart? how do we cope at least in order to manage, to get by. how do we not let our frustrations and feelings of defeat drop us all over the place, making us assume that the 'magical' happy life together we can look forward to may never really exist or ever show itself to us. HOW do we not give up??

all i know at this point, is that i feel i have lost a part of you. perhaps the sadness you feel has hidden that part of you from me, or perhaps reality has taken it away from the both of us. i know that you love me, as i love you. however, it seems to not be enough to help us. we need to keep our connection going, because all it takes is doubt to break that connection. and i wish so much, to know the answers to difficult questions, solutions to difficult issues. i wish so much, for us to be together and not give up.

but then am i being selfish, speaking from the heart of someone who does not want to give up the greatest love of her life?

i wish i knew what to do...

will love you always,
~s.

if only i could...

2008-02-28T17:54:00.000-08:00

if only i could...

stop being the one who only dreams
of flying high
only dreams
of my words dancing and enhancing
evolving and solving all kinds of
impossible equations,
slicing into minds but not too deeply like an abrasion

and
then i

catch a nod or two of a head,
someone saying, "that's right"
all from what i just said...
creating momentum
i am
flying
high

but if only i could

as my fears consume me
if only i could
stop the choking
sensation and hallucinations
of humiliation
then i could
fly

if only i could...

if only i could
turn my back on my lack of attack
my weakness turning into bleakness
nothing prepared to share
no shine from mine
BUT in time
if only i could...

s.m.

16...

2008-02-19T20:10:00.001-08:00

i watch the clock
hearing it tick tock
closer to the hour
holding such power

i smile at the thought of you
having to remind me (whew)
but of course i would have remembered
another month, another number

but more importantly
we hold onto our love so delicately
bookmarking mouths and fingers and eyes in our hearts so carefully
not wanting to lose the other so carelessly...

happy 16th, my love
yours,
~s.

happy valentine's day ;o)

2008-02-14T04:24:00.000-08:00

i may not be a dorkus maximus
poems intertwined with images of us
or 'puter pics and qoutes related

but how wonderful as you create
such masterpieces to this day
continuing to show your commitment

forgive me for what i may lack in that category
but perhaps you can still feel my love for you, hopefully
as i try, in my own way, to prove myself to you

all my thoughts of you, dreams of day and night
bring me closer to our journey's light
and for that, i love you even more

Happy Valentine's Day, my love
yours eternally,

~s.

kutta...

2008-01-31T08:14:00.000-08:00

i am sorry for the times i pain you
make you wonder about me
or lose faith in what could be for us

i need us both to stay strong though
and i am willing to do so
as i want nothing more than to be with you

it is as if we have a lot going against us at times
but we also have each other
to help push past those things

forgive me for any mistakes
and believe in me that i am doing what i can
and will do what i can to make it work for us

i love you so much my kutta...
s.m.

15...

2008-01-21T11:00:00.000-08:00

this many times and more,
would i love to whisper into your ear,
and share how much i love you...
how i wish to protect you
how i feel we are meant to be
and still, am in love with you...

you continue to mean so much to me
as every fiber of my being reaches out
knowing you so well
but wanting to learn even more
thank you for being in my life
i love you, kutta...

s.m.

i wonder...

2007-12-26T19:34:00.000-08:00

if words
may be the key
to one's soul
then i shall write

in hopes of reaching
what is inside
controlling
puppets of love...

tortured by an emotion
a feeling , perhaps
whatever it may be
it consumes me

although i have spoken of energy
of connections
of love
how can i not question: is it enough

it feels as if we are trapped
in some twisted mirage of a destiny
where we are to touch and taste and see
but never to be

what lesson is there for us
to gain
what unfinished duty
do we have
with each other

are we unravelling what was meant to be
hearts and love
dreams of day and night
all aside

meant to carry out our lives
in this manner
sinking into such sadness
feeling as if nothing matters

what have our souls done
to inherit this cell
created by whom or what
'tis a mystery

are the answers
as unclear as they seem
are the desires we seek
the wrong path

i do not know
as i stumble
tear after tear
and simply wonder...

s.m.

14...

2007-12-19T18:56:00.000-08:00

lately i've been amazed by the intensity
of my love for you

the overwhelming angst
when i can not see you

the way my eyes respond
when i am touched by you

how is it possible for love
to grow

to this extent
where my heart paces

constantly seeking
a union of sorts

trying to locate
its missing piece

and only until you are found
and we are together

will my heart settle down
as it does after we have made sweet love

my love for you
i feel, will continue

to long for you
and grow

leaving me
amazed and blissful...

happy 14th my love~

s.m.

tonight...

2007-12-10T17:50:00.000-08:00

was magical
in its own right
no fancy dinner
no special plans
just you and i
after a long day
just you and i baby...

love,
s.m

meeting...

2007-12-02T07:12:00.000-08:00

i saw your eyes
and
all the pain i had been feeling up until that point
vanished
and everything i want for us
came back full force into my mind
along with myself
into your arms...

s.m.

2007-12-01T14:20:00.000-08:00

wonder how things got this way
perhaps if i were not gay

i would then not have to be ashamed
live the life i've lived
splitting one into two
becoming, playing the part of, hating

i do believe in a Higher Power
so how could this Higher Power of mine
have me as miserable as i've come to be

not able to be there for others
the way they would like for me to be
my love
my family
myself

there must be a reason
has to be

for how long then must i trudge on
clothed in this lie i've created
i slowly unravel
and they do say it is a 'process'
but alas, just not fast enough...

s.m.

i am...

2007-12-01T13:50:00.001-08:00

misunderstood
less than
not good enough
a problem
doubted
not as caring
not as loving
not you...

***

numb
hollow
filled with dread
filled with nothing
torn
confused
hurt
lifeless...

***

lost to you
lost to the world
lost to myself
lost...

***

wishing i were gone
wishing that my life were different
wishing that i did not come to know life
wishing that no one cared for me
before, now, or after...

# 13

2007-11-25T21:24:00.000-08:00

(rather than a poem, i felt the need to write this in the form of a letter to you my love)

my Dear M:

As unlucky as that number sounds, we truly are lucky to have surpassed another month. We are lucky in the sense that, each day, moment, second--all of it-- is not to be taken for granted by us, thus being able to the milestones we reach. It all creates substance for us. Substance in the form of love. Imagine love as time: the longer it lasts, the better it grows. The more we experience and learn from it, the more we accomplish with it. The less we have of it, the less we feel we accomplished or progressed. As time can be on one's side, I feel that love is truly on our side, for if it were not for our love for each other, we could not last. Sometimes, we feel love is all we have and end up questioning whether or not it is enough to sustain a relationship. However, in doing so, we miss the amazing power and strength of love--how it can and has carried us time and time again. So you see my love, without this love of ours, we could not make it. I am most grateful and humbled by the passion we share for one another, as well as the level of passion you have for me on your own, teaching me that it is safe to return that very same passion.

Here's to another milestone of a month together. Even though we could not spend it with each other, seperated, but each having time to reflect on and miss the other, we are still going strong. I pray for us and love you with all my heart.

Love,
~s.m.

I Pledge...

2007-11-01T17:31:00.000-07:00

...to pray for you, your family,
and us, each night

...to create loving thoughts and words for you
out of my sadness

...to know that you will be missing me as much as
i will be missing you

...to make the best out of each situation
when feeling lonely

... to be safe and healthy in order to return
to you

... to love you with all my heart and soul
like i have loved none other

s.m.

12...

2007-10-19T16:08:00.000-07:00

as if we passed a major test
triumphant and victorious
we are both right now at our best
in our love so glorious

although downtrodden a bit
here and there
our light is still lit
shining away as if tempting a dare

which is why we have survived
thus far
a reason to be alive
thank you for being my favorite and lucky star

the way you try with me
and show your love and fears
the way you let me 'be'
and wipe my tears

i eagerly await loving and learning
from you
and continuing to experience how
this feels like genuine truth
i love you forever and so much right now...

Happy Anniversary, my love

s.m.

just think...

2007-10-15T17:33:00.000-07:00

of how i wish to care for you
when your days seem long, endless
when your body shuts down
when your mind is anxious...

i will help take the load off,
help you with your work
i will feed you and provide you with water
i will run my hands through your hair
and whisper that i love you

just think

of how i wish to love you
when you are feeling lost
when you are feeling stressed
when you are feeling sad

i will help guide you back to the right path
i will help calm you down
i will make you smile...

i love you,

s.m.

her

2007-10-10T16:30:00.000-07:00

how she keeps her own temper down
while i go on and on
i will never know

she talks about her love for me
and i am brought to the reality of
the power of it all

the passion that exists
while going through the good and the bad
bonds us together...

s.m.

2007-10-05T18:00:00.000-07:00

i wonder when the hurt will go away...

11

2007-09-20T03:52:00.000-07:00

remember the idea of us being one large ball
and picture an image of us
rolling around to get from one place to another
until at some point
we split into two
the birth of two lovers...

now remember the idea of destiny
and a reason for things to occur
for us to be together
our paths may have been seperated for some time
but at this point, we have joined again
so let us now focus and not yet again lose each other...

s.m.

10

2007-08-21T11:43:00.000-07:00

a day late
forgive me my love...

i have tried so hard to put away my thoughts of you
into the far corners of my mind
so that i would not hurt so much
but yet,
you continue to surface
and i am forced to think of you...

but i am glad that you do
since in your absence
i have had so much time to think about you
and us
without any contact
simply, thoughts
memories
dreams

as i allow all this to take over
i am sad of course
missing you dreadfully
but also left feeling quite loved,
quite hopeful

for when you return
my thoughts and dreams and memories
will be accompanied by your touch
your face and smile

but for now
i will take silence
for this anniversary
in return for your safe journey back...

i love you now and forever ,

yours...

i am wondering...

2007-08-04T06:59:00.001-07:00

i am wondering if you have arrived safely
into the land of your ancestors
the land which may or may not accept you
but above all the land where your beloved father awaits you

i hope that you are well
that you keep in mind the essence of life
of love
and that you remember my smile for you when you are down
and hear my voice calling out to you when you are lonely...

please God keep her safe,
love,
~s.

my daydream...

2007-07-29T17:57:00.000-07:00

my lips gently pass your ears
whispering great secrets
for only us to hear
i then lay my head to rest
on your comforting shoulder
as you wrap your arm
around my body closely
keeping me away from harm
like a child i am counting your fingers and toes
making sure you are all there
and rambling about how the world is and how life goes
around until i catch you stare
and you pull me towards you
with knowing ease and very gently
where you do what you do
and i become yours my lovely...

s.m.

9...

2007-07-21T18:37:00.000-07:00

i know this comes a bit late
with all that has buzzed around us
from a reality which we did not create

while 9 was clearly ahead, i did not make a fuss
remembering, then forgetting
as i got caught up in that buzz

but you caught us in time
and for that, i am most grateful
as it shows me why we keep this love alive

the joint effort of two crazy love fools
yet another positive step on our destined path
of honesty, trust, caring, and love--our very own truth...

s.m.

a thought

2007-06-29T15:36:00.000-07:00

when i begin to learn how to stop feeling
i will then stop tearing

i wish i knew how to...

s.m.

a letter to my love...

2007-06-22T17:46:00.001-07:00

You will be leaving in a few days, and boy is it hitting me now. I know I am good at pushing things away--sometimes in a good way, sometimes, not so good. Perhaps I was in denial this time, as I acknowledged you are leaving, but pushed the feelings away. The feelings are undeniable at this hour, however. The feelings are telling me that there may be absolutely no contact with my love for days. Although we struggle in our own ways over not seeing each other anywhere from one to five days in a row, at least we had ways to communicate, still. This time around, the phone may not work nor the letter idea as the stamps are from here--not there? Perhaps a postcard idea? But, regardless, your face and your voice will not be present during this time in which you will be away. I will not be there for you either, while you are relaxing, enjoying some stress free time, most likely wanting and wishing to share those moments with me.

I just wanted you to know that while away all day tomorrow, I will be thinking of you. I will be focussed on family, but a part of me will be on you--as it always is--wondering what you are doing, if you have eaten, if you are drinking enough water, if you are packed, if you are cleaning, and of course of how much I just love you.

I hope that you and your sister and her friend have a great time, and a very safe journey. i will pray for your safety while travelling and while you are there.

I love you M.
love,

your S.

nyc

2007-06-22T17:38:00.000-07:00

-first trip together outside of philly
-gazing out the train window in each other's arms
-shopping and more shopping
-holding hands on strange streets
-making do with bad salsa
-know-it-all turned knows-nothing cabbies
-raindrops
-tender hugs
-meeting your friend
-meeting a korean man
-silly talk
-annoying sorority girl on the train
-more laughter
-stares and glances and touch
-keeping each other calm at the garage
-holding hands
-a dream come true again of waking up next to you
-i love you...

s.m.

"8"

2007-06-19T18:38:00.000-07:00

at times, the day runs by us
without a moment to say hello
our lives suffocate us
without a chance to feel higher than low
but then comes the burst of energy
telling us to quickly hold on
for if we can not believe
then it will be gone
so we learn and grow
we may stumble but then fly
and by this eigth month, it goes to show
how much we connect , how hard we try
for all those times and more it seems
i wish for love to be the eternal kind
magical beyond our dreams
let us cherish these times...

`s.m.

things we accomplished...

2007-06-14T17:10:00.000-07:00

goosebumps
intellectual book club idea
hugs
fingers through hair
a moment for us only...

s.m.

destiny...

2007-06-10T15:28:00.000-07:00

written on 06/03/07 , 07:30pm

It is destiny
One says
To be able to savor the way
She sways
Like so
Dancing arms and toes
Ringing your mental alarm and so
In that motion
exists future devotion noted in a moment’s flicker
Lingers like the scent off a scratch-n-sniff sticker
Strong cherry, lemon line, or deep chocolate
Very tempting signs which you can not block
For it is destiny
One says
To be able to love her even before
She swam into you and across your shores
Carrying on
That song
Keeping you alive and breathing
Seeking out and not hiding
You take that leap
Forsake those who weep
In their own ignorance
Shown as righteousness
For it is destiny
One says
To be able to sacrifice for each other
Without even thinking
As much
At one point drinking in the sinking fear
Of loss and such
Tearing at the memory of her touch
But you then remember the power
Greater than any other
It will crumble your lack of faith
And build for you a path to stumble back onto for destiny’s sake…

s.m.

2007-05-23T18:29:00.001-07:00

i miss her
my love is the one i speak of...

memories are stirred
as if from ages ago
even though
we've known each other not so long
yet in my mind, as if an old song
these thoughts travel through
the images so true
and my fingers
they strum the air as the tune lingers
as helpless as can be
i sit and wait for thee...

s.m.

seven...

2007-05-20T18:30:00.000-07:00

a bit later than expected
but 'tis here

from the time we connected
we've grown through great bliss and great tears

we've managed to live through a tornado of madness
whirled by us complete with grenade launching sadness

thinking there will be no end , no solution
only unhappiness and doubt to tend to, negative energy pollution

but we've also managed quite a sense of love and caring
in thought, sight, and of our mutual need for understanding

with an unknown force guiding us along the way
telling us not to go, but fight , be strong and stay

we push through , for and with each other
we pull through, even before our time and will continue to forever...

s.m.

missing...

2007-05-19T18:42:00.000-07:00

she does not feel my love

she thinks i ask for us to pretend

she is unhappy only when she thinks about me

did i lose my love?

anxiety...

2007-05-18T18:48:00.000-07:00

creeping into my thoughts
puncturing and creating wounds
fluttering butterflies
muttering lies
step in , step out
dream or reality
can anyone save me
possible disaster
possibly pleasant
eyelids floating
across time
seeking assistance from the Divine
One
frantically numb
mechanically euphoric
no right or wrong
fight to be strong...

s.m.

element...

2007-05-06T15:25:00.000-07:00

yes, i was in my element
as my sisters preached on
spreading their testament
sweet songs
translucent
separating the tone
from the movement
creating a zone
paralyzing effects
no denying the power
as if they already knew of my requests
and tripled mind-profits within the hour,
different sounds , different sets
the beats , they broke free and towered
passing all kinds of tests
on how to empower
the voices, they bled
love and history
with anguish and sweat
oh wait, i'm sorry
what of my element did you not get
for this was about HERstory
where her rhymes met
and washed down my worries...

s.m.

seeing you...

2007-05-03T17:53:00.000-07:00

...made me forget my troubles
the blue on you pulled me towards you
as if i'd never seen you before
and i fell in love with you all over again

you made it last though
with your smiles
our laughter and chatter
not hiding our copping and sliding

i enjoyed our time
however short in the span of our lives
one short night but in sunshine
where our eyes became alive...

s.m.

finally..

2007-05-03T12:51:00.000-07:00

close to a week
since i have seen you
felt you
kissed you

i can't wait to see you....

life goes on...

2007-04-29T07:13:00.000-07:00

i am not allowed to compare
although it is not what i do
as i feel that if something is in you
then there is hope
for us as well

i am told i can leave
because you predict
that i will tire of you
then be out of your way
then life will go on

you are tired of me saying
the things i do
that i try
that i hope
that i hurt

you do not want to give me that control
no, rather, you do not wish to lose any yourself
as you will proudly predict that you knew
i'd write, we'd give each other some time

you add that you do not wish to pretend
but that in time, we'll go back to it
then perhaps fight again
the process continues
and then i may leave

you are not God.
you can say i will be the one to leave
as it is easier to say that
and hurt me
rather than for you to change

and if you keep pushing me rather than trying
you may only realize this fact about yourself
unfortunately, in your afterlife
and not with me

hence, life will not go on
for what is life
if you truly felt you found 'the one'
if i truly felt we were and will be together

now comes the hard work
but who has checked out already
it is not i
please take the time to learn about love...

2007-04-28T18:17:00.000-07:00

the drafts blew
harder at some points than others
i would shiver and then look over at you
as you shivered as well, my twin, my mother

as the coldness gained strength
over our bodies and took over our lives
i pondered at length
until at last , an answer arrived

i thought about my body and how it felt
as the cold air first tapped me on the shoulder
combined it with the strawberry sherbet that made my heart melt
then came the cold's boldness

as if my bones were made out of fluid
easily chilled
high hopes for possible soup, ruined
as i got my ice cream fill

i then finally came to wonder
that if i could feel the cold so much
like spiked chains wrapped around my legs to pull me under
then certainly, you would have felt more than such?

as my body ached
and stiffened and began to warn me
i put my hands under me for circulation's sake
waiting for that hot cup of tea

but you must have been worse off
in your older being
i could tell by your cough
and by what i was seeing

i wished right then and there
that i could save you
but would i dare
as you proudly denied it all--so what could i do?

i watched and waited
for the time to leap and us to follow
for you to make it
and hopefully, a better tomorrow...

s.m.

part of life...

2007-04-28T18:00:00.000-07:00

although i know
the aging process
is part of life
it is difficult, very much so
for the caregiver to watch
and live with
to get past the sadness, the pain, the helplessness
and simply continue to be there for that person

it was hard today, i will admit
to watch you suffer
to catch those moments
where you wince, close your eyes, hold in the pain

my breath was stolen during each of those moments
when you held your neck
after slightly turning
to say hello to a friend
and you realized you turned too fast

when you needed to cough and grab some water
as food had gotten stuck in your throat yet again

when you tried to straighten out your cramping fingers
unable to cut up your own food

when you walked looking down every 5 seconds
afraid of tripping or falling

when you kept your arms out a little bit when walking
afraid of losing your balance

when you do lose that balance
and do all that you can to keep yourself
and your dignity up

this is truly only the beginning

Lord give me strength to be there for her
during the times when she will need me
ask me for help
and also for the times like now
when she fights, says she is ok
and not handicapped in any way

stubbornness sure runs through our veins mother...

s.m.

mother...

2007-04-28T17:48:00.000-07:00

so you have returned
and although a part of you is dying to
go back
to your new home
in your old land
another part of you
tells you to stay
you worry so much
and pray so hard
for me
i probably do not feel any other's pain
as i have felt yours
perhaps considering the fact that a lot of it
is regarding myself
perhaps it is due to the fact that
we are beyond connected
beyond you having given birth to me
as even today
we had a moment, yet again
where i was thinking of something
and there you stated out loud to others
the very same thing--at the very same moment
it was a question and thought more
random
rather than routine
and even though i was at peace with more proof
of our connection
i was also disturbed by it
for there is one thing in my mind
which i have held for so long about myself
longing to tell you at times
fearing to tell you at times
thus i wondered today
what else can you read from me?
what else have you picked up on me
have i shamed you?
i am sure i already have
but how about even more than what is to be expected?
do you know?
are you in denial?
perhaps you do not have a clue
and are just confused
day in and day out
a constant dull pain
throughout your system
when my name, face or presence enters
your heart...

s.m.

2007-04-27T18:57:00.000-07:00

my ego is bigger than my love for you - you about me

i only care when things are going well - you about me

when one hurts, everything will hurt
and i feel as if i am not even enough for you
to give you some hope
in life
in love
if i try, it is as if i am wrong
because you can only see wrong
as if i am not truly thinking of you
if i do not try, i am wrong
because you wonder why i do not
but you push and push
and then accuse
after you've pushed
and i am left silenced... -me about us

what a day...

2007-04-22T17:47:00.000-07:00

what a day
today was
for you and i
as you said hi to my parents before heading out
i took you through new routes, grabbed your grub
where i felt such love even then
and again, as my mother took a liking to you
i knew, as she recalled with me , your
allure, openness
then you, hoping to make that connection so badly
but sadly, could not stay longer
you stayed strong, with a trip to the dreaded mall
was not bad after all with our purchases and quick exit
leading us to the next trip, a beautiful walk
we talked and laughed and became one
with the earth, the sun greeting us in every turn
a lesson for us learned in every movement
i treasured every moment...

s.m.

6...

2007-04-20T07:46:00.000-07:00

in 6
you've allowed me to
come out of my shell
to be free to love
free to show happiness

in 6
you've allowed me to
care
to hold you
in my thoughts and my hands

in 6
you've allowed me to
smile into eternity
and follow my heart
thank you...

s.m.

silence...

2007-04-13T18:32:00.000-07:00

it is here
pouring out
of my ears
at this lazy hour

i breathe it in
to help
regroup
then exhale

movements are slow
thoughts jog with caution
memories are filed
and refiled

surroundings are taken note of
a loose wire
a crumb
comfort in words

alone
but not alone
waiting
learning

in silence.

s.m.

journey...

2007-04-07T23:26:00.000-07:00

i am here
as i said i would be
trying my best
to protect you from
the blades
of sad
which slice
through your thoughts

trying to let you know
now and again
spoken and unspoken
that i love you
and will grow with you
through your journey
which has carefully stumbled
upon that of my own...

-s.m.

2007-04-04T15:55:00.000-07:00

i tried
and tried
to close my weary eyes
but my mouth
and my lungs
were not ready
to go
they coughed
and huffed and puffed
having me wonder
what else will spew
from my internal organs
my muscles
my thoughts

'twas a miserable time of sleep
in and out
far from peaceful
as i coughed at different points in time
nonstop
for several minutes
my lungs felt squeezed
one by one
leaving me
having to learn how to control
my breathing
so as to not stop
and now that i am awake more tired than before
i try to eat
since that is what i should do
but my stomach does not allow for any
my heart is slowly closing for the day as well
but not by my own decision

a thought about
you and i
and why
we can not get past
misunderstands
for if we know we
misunderstand
why do we not try then
one gives up
and the other is at a loss
where is the communication
the respect
the desire to work
the ease where one can say
i'm sorry
the other repeats
and we try try again
once some of this is let go of
we are let go of
i feel i am slipping from you
while i dangle
my weak heart and mind
in front of you
but you have not taken it
rather
you would wish to ignore it...

2007-04-04T11:14:00.000-07:00

i am not just an "f-in therapist gf"
as you have so nicely put it several times now
this time, adding that you do not need some intervention from me

i wish i were not what i am in my professional life
so you could see that this part of me is ME
it was always there before my job
and this part of ME is only trying to care
trying to simply be your gf...

2007-04-03T21:26:00.000-07:00

this is how small i feel

the clocks are ticking
my laptop is buzzing
the fridge is humming

the light is on
for it is the only
thing
making me feel alive

as i cough
and type
and scan the screen
my room
my fingers
and work
as hard as i can
to not scream
to stop the crying
to not give in
to the stream
of thoughts
tempting me
right now
in my head...

please God let this pass. i will stay up all night if i have to, and cry a million tears if i have to, just to not give in.
i feel so unloved.
misunderstood.
mistrusted.
thrown away.

i wonder how long she's been missing the love of her life.
then again, i know how long.
she's never stopped.

why was she so careless
in the way she told me

why have the edge
of wanting
to hurt me.

release me from my torture God
turn this neverending night
into day
so that i may try again
one day at a time again
just like old times...

please help me.
i am weak right now.
You know where i wish to be
and wish to do.
but do not allow any of it to happen.
i will fight if You help me.
thank You.

2007-04-03T20:55:00.000-07:00

she tends to ask questions at times
one question being:
"do you think you'll ever get bored with me?"
my answer as always:
"never!"
i answer with such ferver at times
truthfully meaning it
i only foresee a great future ahead for us
although bumpy at times
we have a present and a future
and definitely had a past
but for the first time she admitted
to being bored with me
i guess i never thought to flip the question on her...

i think it is amazing
one's perception of a question
how varied the response can be
but how much does one take the time
to mull over that question
if any doubt, even ask questions to better understand
the original question
versus
simply responding

no.
i never want you to feel as if you have to 'report' or check in with me.
that is not who i am.
i asked for something you ask of me, showing that you care.
and think of how hurt i was, as you would have been if i had done the same to you.

as my congested heart beats faintly
salty water trickles around
my veins
my half opened eyes
take in such hurt
with great misery
ready for a wide opened grave
why a loved one would be as such
words cutting into my soul
pushing me to confusion
raising my voice
confusion
questioning her
but then comes her denial
of such
and then i am blamed
for similar pain
when meanwhile my efforts
to care
are easily brushed aside
blown away into the night
like scattered ashes
although, those are to be released
thus comes the next hurtful set of words
"you may do whatever you wish"
as uncaring and cold as that sounds
as if wanting for me to be released
then why do i still try to show you
that i am more than your friend, no less
and not your enemy
and each time, my own words
crumble
against your heavy armor
and when that does not work
i stay silent
uncertain
then comes your impatience
your words
and you predict
time without us
whereas one would assume
after all this hurt
you would look forward to
returning to each other
but no
and we continue
in a lull
where i am again,
mistrusted and feeling unwanted by you...

s.m.

thank you...

2007-04-01T16:24:00.000-07:00

-i got the best looking wild roses ever ;o)
-help buying a new phone
-help with cooking no-no's
-tons of laughter and fun
-tons of kisses-deliberate and ambushed
-a wonderful night in your arms where i belong every night
-yet another surreal moment , this time on the way to and at a Baptist church--in the end, i did not break the tradition of going to church on Palm Sunday...

alas i shall now sit and wait
for my love to return to me
for a brief meeting, 'dreaded' group outing, or another date
i shall wait for thee...

s.m.

heal me...

2007-03-30T05:20:00.000-07:00

while i close my tired eyes
and curl my lonely legs
my knees touch my chest
arms and hands--for you, they beg

but alas for now
i hope to dream away
of you and i
on better days

i can make out your figure now
as you come to me
amidst chaos and the world
you somehow still find me

and i am reassured
that i will be able to sleep
because you are in my thoughts
and in your love , i fall so deep....

s.m.

not enough...

2007-03-24T21:26:00.000-07:00

wonder if i will always be
not enough...

waiting...

2007-03-23T10:50:00.000-07:00

there is intermittent chatter and answers
of calls and questions and some banter

there are waves of warmth and then cold drafts
the air condition villian blows dust in my face and laughs

i resist the temptation to sneeze
squeeze my eyes shut tight and then go to work on my knees

the pain remains while i massage away
more to follow at night rather than during the day

the seconds and minutes grow
the hours snap back at me, "i know, i know!"

i look to my left to check on the 'crisis caller champ'
then to the window only to see that it is cloudy and damp

i take a sip of my soda and with a sleepy sigh i wait
take another call, think about tonight's plans and on how not to be late...

s.m.

i can't....

2007-03-22T10:27:00.000-07:00

waaaaaait!!!

thank you for planning today out....
;o)

5...

2007-03-19T18:15:00.000-07:00

and now we near number five
although still feels as if it has been much longer
as if centuries ago, our love had first arrived

and what if this were true
whatever form we inhabited
our souls were never new

what if the passion for one another
not only surpassed time
but the innate uniqueness of one another

what have we learned or have yet to
through our love travel
where have we been and where must we get to

with centuries more to go
happy number five
i am hoping this charged love will only continue to grow...

s.m.

more than...

2007-03-18T15:06:00.000-07:00

when does happiness begin
does it have to leave
once reality settles in?

what is reality then
is it the opposite
of the high one feels from happiness then?

what is that high one achieves
the result of cupid's arrow
or a mixture of that and connection and needs?

what is the meaning of connection
is it more than just being happy
is it more than just an attraction?

what comes after such attraction
especially if there are great differences
perhaps then comes the evolution of happiness and reality, connections and attraction...

for now...

2007-03-13T17:02:00.000-07:00

i am not there
at this moment with you
but i would love to be

whether hidden
huddled
under a canopy

or on fire
pressed against each other
for the world to see

whether comforted
by pure bliss
as we kiss deeply

or barely able
to contain ourselves
escaping banality

i am not there
at this moment
so rest my lovely

rest for now
and remember my love
can carry you patiently

dream smiles for now
and remember me
yours truly...

s.m.

stream....

2007-03-07T16:14:00.000-08:00

random
tick tock
slurp up
lukewarm
glass
ice cold
pillow vs puter
book vs dream
shiver
tomorrow
yesterday
no door
sad
lost
missing
type
clean up
waiting
close eyes
open eyes...

s.m.

dream/amma...

2007-03-06T15:54:00.000-08:00

so i had a dream about you last night
the kind that had my mind in turmoil and working
for through this dream, i gained some insight
into my fears for you, after they'd been in me, lurking...

you were in a new place
yet, not so new as i could see the coconuts and hear the crows
a new body and somewhat younger face
yet, not so new as old age goes

there were others, familiar but not clear
only you stood out
your sense of urgency , purged my fear
as i watched you stare at me with confusion and doubt

i talk about having 'phantom pains'
as soon as you are in trouble
and thinking about your torture would drive me insane
whatever you felt, i almost felt double

so in my dream
there you were, not being able to say much
tears about to puncture your skin it seemed
taking note of your decreasing mobility and such

you took a look at your hands and feet
and as if i read your mind
i felt for you, an incredible loss of identity
what next, wold you become completely paralyzed?

i stood there trying to take in all of your heartache
strengthening myself to carry you
for you, i could not forsake
and i woke up praying for this fear of mine to spare you...

s.m.

clarity, please...

2007-03-04T15:43:00.000-08:00

my arms feel heavy, as if i'd been lifting weights for days
my legs, as if i've been running for hours from some unknown dark force

what will release me from my haze
i tried to fight, but then ended up letting it run it's course

i let myself go and rest for some time just now
crazy how i am awake though, more lost than before

left with dreams and thoughts my mind will allow
wishing there was a way to find an easy detour

how can pain feel so physical, after having been emotional first
how do i erase the negativity

i would like to chase away the demons, the unwanted thirst
i wish to begin with some clarity...

s.m.

2007-03-04T06:10:00.000-08:00

anticipating
longing
build up
secret moments
love
satisfaction
comforting
home
confusion
back down to 30 %
lost...

s.m.

little things...

2007-03-02T11:59:00.000-08:00

i sent a text
because i want to be the best

you love your group
and i wanted you to be in the loop

as soon as i heard their name
my eyes widened and i said HEEEYYY!!

hence the text i sent
hoping that it showed you what i meant

about the little things i'd like to do
the little things i'd do for you...

s.m.

wondering, part II

2007-02-28T18:29:00.000-08:00

wonder what kind of patterns exist within my life and within me

wonder if i am attracted to those who have similar qualities to a parent

wonder why those qualities can't be my mom's

wonder how that happens though, it is not as if i have met people after knowing such things,and still decide to stay

wonder if those people found in me, patterns from their lives

wonder if i were meant to be depressed forever

wonder how i can help everyone else in this world, but not myself

wonder how i got to 100 % fine, and i feel cut down to 30 % at the moment

wonder when i will not only reach, but stay at 100% fine

-s.m.

wondering...

2007-02-28T16:21:00.000-08:00

how many times have we possibly met or possibly crossed paths or possibly heard of each other?

how many times have we been given the chance to see one another, but we did not take it?

were we meant to meet those other times?

were were continuously given such chances like a HUGE S.O.S sign flashing across the sky at night in order to meet, but we never did?

were we being lead to the moment in which we did finally meet?

if we had met earlier, would it have been less amazing of a meeting?

if we had met earlier, would we have not been ready for each other?

are we ready for each other now?

4...

2007-02-20T17:46:00.000-08:00

so you have beaten me thus far
counting up since then
now at our fourth star

keep track
my love
so that we do not take any steps back

moving forward you and i
it is where we were meant to find love
inside your hungry kisses and my open sky

keep track
my love
so that we do not take any steps back

we carry and bear for each other
what is being nurtured
our next symbolic number...

s.m.

you...

2007-02-19T19:18:00.000-08:00

what is the meaning of you
coming into my life as you have
a fast and furious whirlwind before i even knew

i felt it from the start
what i could not understand
from the tips of my eyes to the core of my heart

how was i to know
as confusion settled in at first
where this connection would go

was i even thinking
as perhaps denial whispered softly
into my inner being where it began sinking

then it became time for me
to realize that you
have become that which allows me to see

i know
that i was meant to cross paths with you
and not in a subtle way, but like so

it happened so quickly
time stood still enough
for you to capture me

my words and breath
mingled with images of you
wondering if we are seeing each other after even death

and now after having shared moments with you
i slow my pace down
so as to not let your sweet face disappear from my memory's view....

s.m.

swollen

2007-02-13T17:49:00.000-08:00

i taste the salt
fresh sea
trickling out of me

it peers out first
from the confines of my lids
and wonders what it did

to be awoken
with such force and emotion
to create this sadness potion

it realizes there is no turning back
it must march forward and then dive
to an unknown destination must it arrive

knowing it is not alone
it takes one last look behind
there are plenty more ready and lined

one by one they push
knowing the purpose but not the reason
for my swollen season...

s.m.

my winter thus far..

2007-02-11T15:27:00.000-08:00

i settle into myself
as the bear that hibernates, settles into her habitat
during the cold season

the same season overtakes me
re-writing my dreams
leaving me miserable and sad

fighting to stay above the freezing water
carefully treading over the solid ice
covering the lake of my thoughts

trying not to let the shooting pains
in my extremeties
catch wind of my fear

leaving patches of dryness
on the leaves of my skin
holding on so as not to break away...

s.m.

what i hear

2007-02-07T17:15:00.000-08:00

My first blog...

watching and waiting
the blankness ticks

tugging and nudging
for my fingers to lick

the keys and tease
a hungry belly
of a white page at night...